Introspection and insecurity.

Before i start, let me damn the ancient ancestor of mine that decided grass pollen is a harmful substance and must provoke my eyes to swell and my nostrils to turn into floods of mucus. I'm going through more tissues in a day right now than i ever did as a pubescent young-adult.

Cliché teenage masturbation jokes aside; i hate having hayfever.

Keeping up appearances with another deep and pretentious photo of myself!

I write today to tell you a bit more about myself, or in the case of this rant a bit about my psyche and the problems it has caused me in the past. I have no qualms with being a fairly open book, at least when i'm appearing to you as a block of text on your screen. I've always been fairly open with those that i feel comfortable around. However, if i don't know you, then you'll most likely see naught but a thin, quiet, reserved man with an affinity for chuckling to himself at funny pictures on the internet.

Self-consciousness has plagued me for years now. I have always been aware of my thin frame, body fat has eluded me for the majority of my life and even to this day i'm still mostly skin and bones. It's been a constant point of self-repulsion that sadly i did very little to correct for far too long, and it left me with severe confidence issues and a slightly warped mind. It was at its worst for most of my later teenage years. A time when i felt so uncomfortable with my weight that i couldn't wear t-shirts outside because they exposed my ' horrifically skinny arms'. I didn't like looking at them so naturally i didn't want anyone else to. It doesn't bother me as much these days, i've made the effort to improve my physical self and i've never been more comfortable with how i look, i can point out my flaws and laugh about them happily. What has taken more effort to correct, and unfortunately is still a problem to this day is my thought process.

The general consensus on introspection seems to be that while it can be beneficial if used in moderation, it holds the potential to drive you madder than the proverbial hare. If you are the type of person who holds themself in low regard already, or suffers from confidence issues, then "asking yourself what you did wrong in any given situation" will most likely only result in an even lower opinion of oneself, i believe this happened to me. The worst part is that i was never satisfied with what i should've done differently; it became a feedback loop. I would be consumed for days by these thoughts, often becoming angry before sinking into depression. I've found the best thing you can do when in one of these loops is this: Talk. Simply find someone down-to-earth to talk about your problems with, a close friend will often suffice. I've found that in most cases they'll help you wake up and realise just how ridiculous you're being. Its beneficial in both the short and long term, you get the relief of having these thoughts eradicated, and it teaches you how to deal with them yourself. It's something i'm still getting to grips with, but i'm already reaping the rewards.

So to put this whole post simply: I've got issues, but they're getting better.

Oh and hayfever is bad.