A stirring beneath the dust...

Hello, dear readers.
 
I just thought i'd post an update to let everyone know that i am still here, i realise how long its been since my last post and that i am failing spectacularly to meet my goal of keeping this blog up to date but life (and for the most part "life" can be exchanged for "work") has taken over in these past few weeks, keeping me busy. Although i have had enough time to think of a few topics that i feel i could discuss on here in proceeding posts.

Unfortunately the news regarding these potential proceeding posts (try saying that really fast) isn't good as far as the next few weeks are concerned as i will be busy visiting a foreign land (nowhere exotic, but i believe i will be having a fun time with my husband while i'm there) and spending some time with my newly gained significant other either side of that. Even then i hope to keep up my hours dispensing various items around a supermarket to improve my financial situation which has been sitting at the back of my mind, quietly nudging me to the point i felt i must do something about it. After all this it will most likely be September and i'll be starting the second year of my course, i find it slighly worrying just how fast it's come about, however with that you will hopefully see more activity from me and be able to follow what im getting up to during my studies.

...studying i hope!

'til next time!

Introspection and insecurity.

Before i start, let me damn the ancient ancestor of mine that decided grass pollen is a harmful substance and must provoke my eyes to swell and my nostrils to turn into floods of mucus. I'm going through more tissues in a day right now than i ever did as a pubescent young-adult.

Cliché teenage masturbation jokes aside; i hate having hayfever.

Keeping up appearances with another deep and pretentious photo of myself!

I write today to tell you a bit more about myself, or in the case of this rant a bit about my psyche and the problems it has caused me in the past. I have no qualms with being a fairly open book, at least when i'm appearing to you as a block of text on your screen. I've always been fairly open with those that i feel comfortable around. However, if i don't know you, then you'll most likely see naught but a thin, quiet, reserved man with an affinity for chuckling to himself at funny pictures on the internet.

Self-consciousness has plagued me for years now. I have always been aware of my thin frame, body fat has eluded me for the majority of my life and even to this day i'm still mostly skin and bones. It's been a constant point of self-repulsion that sadly i did very little to correct for far too long, and it left me with severe confidence issues and a slightly warped mind. It was at its worst for most of my later teenage years. A time when i felt so uncomfortable with my weight that i couldn't wear t-shirts outside because they exposed my ' horrifically skinny arms'. I didn't like looking at them so naturally i didn't want anyone else to. It doesn't bother me as much these days, i've made the effort to improve my physical self and i've never been more comfortable with how i look, i can point out my flaws and laugh about them happily. What has taken more effort to correct, and unfortunately is still a problem to this day is my thought process.

The general consensus on introspection seems to be that while it can be beneficial if used in moderation, it holds the potential to drive you madder than the proverbial hare. If you are the type of person who holds themself in low regard already, or suffers from confidence issues, then "asking yourself what you did wrong in any given situation" will most likely only result in an even lower opinion of oneself, i believe this happened to me. The worst part is that i was never satisfied with what i should've done differently; it became a feedback loop. I would be consumed for days by these thoughts, often becoming angry before sinking into depression. I've found the best thing you can do when in one of these loops is this: Talk. Simply find someone down-to-earth to talk about your problems with, a close friend will often suffice. I've found that in most cases they'll help you wake up and realise just how ridiculous you're being. Its beneficial in both the short and long term, you get the relief of having these thoughts eradicated, and it teaches you how to deal with them yourself. It's something i'm still getting to grips with, but i'm already reaping the rewards.

So to put this whole post simply: I've got issues, but they're getting better.

Oh and hayfever is bad.

Productivity from inoccupation.

So here it is.

My new blog that i've been telling myself i'd set up for the past few weeks. A fresh start, so i will begin as such.

Hi there, my name is Matthew Thomas, 'Matt' if i'm not misbehaving. I am a student at Plymouth College of Art studying for a degree in Design for Games. I've just completed my first year, and am therefore looking for something to keep me going over the summer. The quest for a suitable use of my time has led me to the creation of this blog, and i'm hoping that i wont be leaving this one to gather dust for 6 months as i did with my previous effort.

Here's a picture of me posing by the sea. If i post any more pictures of myself, you'll see i do this quite a lot.

I've been using blogger for the past 10 or so months to post the odd excerpt of coursework i've written, you can see my other blog here if you like, it is a mish-mash of pictures and essays that i can only say i'm a tad disappointed with, at least aesthetically, i want my blog to be all pretty and shiny, not for you dear reader, but to keep my absent mind interested.

I joke of course, but over the past few years i have noticed that my mind wanders far too easily, be it in a lecture or sat at home with a blank word document on the screen. All the work you see on my previous blog was born of sleepless nights spent working furiously to meet a deadline that i had known about far too long to let it be a problem. However i realise it is almost a rite of passage for a student to suffer a night or two without sleep on their journey to the black robe and mortarboard. Still, when i see the results i managed to achieve from these last minute efforts i can't help but think how much better i could have done had i put the effort in...

Throughout the next academic year i hope to break this habit, and have a better overall grade to show for it. But anyway, these are just plans and i have a 3 month wait before i can start acting on them, so i will leave it there i think. Come back to this blog to follow my progress over the summer and my next year of college, i'm hoping to make better use of it this time around so you should be seeing more frequent posts concerning my course and anything that piques my interest.

PEACE OUT!